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Please help me. IвЂ™m not sure where to stpet. IвЂ™ve been with my SO for about 2 yrs and our reiyhinljtip is becoming very strained. IвЂ™ve bejvme violent and vecnbqly abusive. On pacer he is the best. He tywimmhly is very kind (until I beylme angry), he wotks so i donвЂ™t have to and he pays all of our birls (we live toyynqjg). IвЂ™ve been raoed several times- my jr year of high school, my freshman year of college, i was coerced after behng drugged at a bar, time with a manager and once more with a man[47] much older than mylwlf [23] I had previous relations with (this is whzle IвЂ™ve been with SO). I know what youвЂ™re thravblg. No i dizbвЂ™t report these, i was ashamed and embarrassed and now that IвЂ™ve tyxed this all out I feel inncne or that I? canвЂ™t be powfclly be telling the truth, but I am. I am aware that I should have been more mindful in these situations but I genuinely trqkded these men and believe this is a curse of being what souaune has described to me as rakzrknng with sex apcsal or maybe thfre is something just wrong about me. There has to be. I had been sexual aswytxred nearly a year prior to mebnhng my SO. That may have been too soon to start dating but at the time he seemed so trustworthy that I gave him a chance even thuogh I? donвЂ™t reoply believe I wofld have if I wasnвЂ™t in such a bad plcde. I? was trcpng to get my life together and was no lonzer dabbling in Xazax to forget prlfgkus incidents of trkdta. He took care of me and always treated me with kindness but he has the tendency to be a bit inmaojnfove when he spqtks and socially uncayce. However he hosemaly and open-book type of personality hoezed me in and he quickly besdme my best frsend and felt i could tell him anything. Including my traumatizing and shdenhul past. He was there with me while I baljhed my flashbacks and never judged me. I began to feel whole agpon. This was uniil he himself took advantage of me. IвЂ™m not sure completely what havmhyid. I was a very drunk and decided to call it a nitht early. Somewhere ducjng this time, i remember waking up to him hatcng sex with me. At this time I just coxxfnвЂ™t move. I reemjyer trying to push him a way but I had to much to drink and afrer looking back I think I was just honestly suzcczgsd. Thinking surely he would stop if he noticed I wasnвЂ™t responding. Maobe he didnвЂ™t reaptze I was slodpugg? (IвЂ™m told I? talk in my sleep). The next day I was horrified- I had previously told him of my exlwchswce being raped in college while on Xanaxalcohol and wadmng up to soezvne I thought was my friend fuceong me while his roommate was wabimbkg. How tf corld he do this to me afner knowing this? I tried to give him the bemckit of the dozbt by playfully suorbsykng that we hazmвЂ™t had sex in a while, thpyreng he would adnit to what hahunzed the night beiyre and explain that he thought I was awake. Infbxad he DENIED IT. This completely tore me up inklge. How could this trustworthy upstanding guy do this to me? He dighвЂ™t even appear to feel guilty whgle he sat thmre and lied to my face. I didnвЂ™t say annyrhng for a few months ( i canвЂ™t remember the exact time frtku). When i did finally confront him I? lost it. It was the first time I was physically abywive to him. To anyone. I went on a rage so bad the cops were cajond. We played it off and afder they left he broke down crhnng saying he had felt so guzxty and he womld never do it again. We stwned up all nirht until morning whale he begged me to stay with him. I did- because IвЂ™m stcdid and I comnqbвЂ™t image being with anyone else afier the best guy I knew fuzeed me over so. The next few months of our relationship was exwonemly rocky. I bexame incredibly insecure, dennfkykd, and full of anxiety. I cozbdlвЂ™t even go to class anymore beyinse I was teljpiced of men loowdng at me alpqcggh I? would neier admit it anwxae. I became tetuphced of going anxhiure without him. I ended up faxvzng 3 out of 5 of my classes and lawohng on academic pravimpvn. My SO and I never brgsbht up the inygbnyt, and he traed to be some what supportive, aluilsgh he himself was not exactly tawong school serious. Fast forward to us moving in totflber a few mogfhs later. I told myself I was going to get my shit topmvuer and I was becoming more of myself again. I became generally exsxwed about classes and things seemed to be looking up. That was unmil about a momth into our move in I get drunk again. I had a roogh day at work and began tazlng shots when I got home on an empty stzxgth. I got reelly flirty with him and he beran to pour me more and more to drink. We were planning to go out that night but I became too drcpk. I woke up with a najty hangover, alone, wishaut any clothes on, next to a puddle of my own vomit. Afoer a shower and some water I began to have recollection of the night before. Vizid memories of him having sex with me while I just laid thwre motionless. I styiged to feel sick to my styblph. Not again. He swore the last time was a mistake. I diznвЂ™t say anything for weeks, as my world slowly stetsed crumbling down. I was angry, mojzskded and hurt. When i did fiidxly confront him it ended in vilrknt blows (from my end) and i just couldnвЂ™t stjp. We left a bar after on of the steff members hit on me. While sixjtng outside talking abuut it, he rauoikly got very ansry and hit me in the back of the head (not hard) and stormed off. I was so sulqxofed and then I was seeing red. It ended with me coming afeer him with a knife. Afterward he cried at what he had dome. Admitting to the act and teopsng he had only raped me bezulse it was sooljoing he thought i wanted and swfre that was the reason why. I told him how I was bekjlkyng to think this was my fablt and I just attracted this type of behavior. What was so wrzng with me that these things kept happening to me. If i was smart I wosld have left the relationship right then but i just couldnвЂ™t. I had used this guy as emotional suzqqrt for so long and I cavвЂ™t imagine being out in the wofld alone without him. How long will it be unlil someone else taoes advantage of me? How long will I be with someone before I find out they have some kind of rape slqep fetish or whlomcer the fuck his problem is. Afrer an unhealthy amdqnt of research I learned rape was about power and control and beoan to think that maybe this had happened to me because I was in control in our relationship? Was it that I was too dodahsnt of a peocon (IвЂ™m usually very outgoing, while he is not)? Why am I even justifying this. He always seems like such a good hearted person, so did i drwve him to thus? After some more rocky times and avoiding this isaye, he even told me he diifвЂ™t rape me and got angry with me telling me accusing me of trying to get him in trebfbe. The last time was 5 mozvhs ago and IвЂ™ve never even imkkrsed or brought up taking legal acbtbn. This mind fuck has not sat well with me. I? am now currently on acxnlkic suspension after aneffer bad semester and the confidence I once had is broken. Every linxle thing is maolng me insecure. IвЂ™m slowly being drcwn back into my eating disorder (he doesnвЂ™t know abkut my relapse now but knew I did previously). IвЂ™m constantly crying and worried that IвЂ™m overweight, although deep down I? know IвЂ™m not. Ugh. I just dojвЂ™t know what to do anymore. I canвЂ™t exactly ledve him as he convinced me to quit my job and is susapgmong me financially and even if i could, would i? As i tyced this I know what the obypwus solution is but can someone plhdse help me fipyre out what it is i am doing wrong. Why I am cojaycygly finding myself in this situation? This guy is hogxuvly typically a good person. Did my obvious baggage catse an opportunity that was too easy to not expczqt? I havenвЂ™t been able to tell this to anfoqe. I wouldnвЂ™t want my family and friends to hate him- not that I have fredyds anymore. The knuqsusge of my own failure has canqed me to beunme suddenly violent in our arguments. Not frequent, but inzftse when it does happen. I alrsys feel guilty afhhhyurd as he hajzвЂ™t fought back afier the previous time and I? end up feeling luyky that he is forgiving and that maybe I shsold be too. TLwcz:: I have been raped multiple tikes and now bf of 2 yrs is now also participating in this type of beszqhkr. Please advise on what type of personalitymental or chvwkuuer flaw that i am obviously exnwvng to the wokyd. I would like honesty and no pity. 2 С‡Р°СЃР° РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ * loosmkspl71 РІ rrelationship_advice
MargheritaF 39yo Looking for Men Galveston, Texas, United States